The world just keeps piling the stress on...

I've been hiding.

It hasn't helped.

Instead, I've found myself not sleeping, fidgeting, sad, tearful, and generally stressed out to the back teeth.

Why?

Let's just say that abuse doesn't stop just because a judge signs divorce papers.

It might stop when either he or I die.

I had a feeling that something was about to happen a few weeks ago.  And then some paperwork was delivered to me.

He Who Does Not Deserve Respect wants money.  I thought the divorce papers agreed that neither one of us would go to the other wanting support...but now he's changed his mind.

In my absence, because of course I can't get to the States that easily, the court has set the amount I am supposed to pay him monthly at something extortionate.

If I don't get it changed, I will not be able to stay in my flat.

Essentially, I'd be made homeless.

So, you see..that's where the stress is coming from.  I've been growing to love this little place of mine.. 

Stress isn't good for my health.  Walking, typing, knitting...everything is too hard right now.

I'm in a sorry state, and this is not a very happy post..my apologies.

I wish a more peaceful existence to all of you..and if you have any extra peace which you could send my way, please do! 

It's hard for me to adopt any notion of peace right now, but without wishing to sound like a hypocrite...

Namaste

So struggling today.

I am trying to live in this moment.

But it's hard to live and move and make each moment count when your back has seized up, your shoulders just ache, and your hips are ouching with every move.

I'm desperately trying to avoid more sick time from work.  I can't afford to not work.  I definitely can't afford to lose my job because of this RA.

I think I need to sleep. 

But also it helps to record my lousy day here..if for no other reason than in a few days I'll be able to look back and know I made it through my bleak and painful Thursday..

Namaste.  May peace, blessing and love surround you.

Some pictures and words for you..

Because it's a quiet day at home for me, with rain falling outside and quite an autumnal nip in the air, I thought I'd spend a few more minutes here at the blog, and show you some of my photos from the past week.

I just love fuchsias.  The colours and the prettiness of each bloom make me even more sure that they are one of my most favourite flowers.  This one is hanging on the wall at the front of the house, and was so small when I first moved in.  Now it's healthy and quite lovely!  I hope that I might be able to help it over-winter indoors, so that next year it'll be even larger..but we'll see.

I'm quite a firm believer in the fact that gardens are just an extension of our inside rooms!  So, in my front and back gardens, you'll find little decorations popping up here and there.  This plaque was one of the last things I bought from a shop in the States...it's resting against the front wall now, so as I (or my neighbour) leaves home, this is what we see.. 

This pig of mine is also quite happy living in the front garden.  I actually took this on Saturday afternoon, because it made me have a little laugh... have you noticed the snail going for a ride?  Fortunately, I haven't anything planted nearby which he would find terribly palatable.  

All of those pictures above were taken on Saturday actually, while I was waiting for my ride to a barbecue.  At that time it was warm, and sunny...and this was the sky....

....three quarters of an hour later though, the grey clouds rolled in, accompanied by threatening rumbles of thunder, and by the time we were ready to grill, well you guessed!  My friends' husband is quite the intrepid "chef" though and will NOT be thwarted!  The food was lovely too..

Indoors, on Sunday, I continued my mission to make a flat into "my" home!  Again, I bought this in the States..it's not sticky like sellotape, but it has gone up on the wall above the bed just perfectly.  The quote is attributed to Thoreau.

And these last couple of photos I just took within the past hour!  The computer is set up in the kitchen most of the time.  The tablecloth has been "with" me for over 20 years, and is (silly me) one of my most treasured possessions really.  The wooden bowl with the calculator in it was made by my Dad, and the flowers I cut from the front garden a few days ago, and popped them into a white porcelain jug which I bought from a charity shop.  

And now I'm going to wish you all a lovely evening, head over to the kettle and boil some water, and then make myself some tea.. just love the convenience of this little kitchen shelf.. 

Namaste, friends

 All content ©artysane

Another Wednesday ... another week...

...the days, and weeks, and months and years are going by so quickly for me these days...

Mostly, this past week I have struggled with pain.  I'm not whining..it's my lot in life, you know?  But it is a bit hard, to limp at work because my hip or knee is hurting, and get the looks from those around you.  That type of look which is saying (or at least you sometimes *think* they're saying):  "Why is that woman putting on that limp?  She's not got any injury.  She must just be trying to get out of working."

I think maybe, just possibly, I could be a little paranoid, huh?

Seriously though, walking is hard ... knitting has been hard...shopping bags after grocery shopping are just too much to handle...and so it goes when the RA flares up.

Enough.

Life can ..and will.. still be good.

In other news...

A friend of mine had a bereavement in her family.  Her dear old grandfather, who lived to just past his 100th birthday.

And in his will, she was left many things, including his budgie..which she really doesn't want to adopt into her home!

First thing she said to me last night when I saw her was.. "Hey (my real name)!!  Don't suppose you want a budgie, do ya?"

And actually, as it happens...

YES!  I have been saving to get a cage and a bird!

So, soon I'll be an adoptive budgie mum.

I had a budgie in the States before I came home, and he had to be adopted out to one of my friends.  I've been missing him a lot, and had put out my wish to the universe, so this is a real answer to me.

Someone In Charge was listening!

And I'm happily expecting the new arrival in the flat!

Namaste

As the silly song goes...

..."I'm busy doing nothing..."

Why?

Because I have woken up today with a bad bout of vertigo.

Thankfully, it doesn't happen often.

Mostly, I feel like this when I'm over-tired, which has most certainly been the last couple of days.  I'm just a bit miffed that today, on my day off, it's really burst forth in violence.

Never mind, I shall live, and this trial will pass!

In the meantime, I can report to you that I'm typing from bed. And if I turn my dizzy head (slowly so as to avoid nausea) to the right, I see this little curio shelf thing on my wall.  The little block sayings at the top need finishing off.  Before I left the States, I bought the blocks from a Dollar Store, and glued the sayings together.  Now I want to paint the other sides... maybe that'll get done today... maybe not, in favour of working on my crochet or something!

Oh.. and yes... I like pigs!  No shortage of them here at Cobbnut Cozy... which is what I've begun to call my little home.  Cobb nuts are beginning to fall all over my garden... the tree next door is trying it's best to move in with me, and making his presence known by giving me these "gifts"!

Hopefully, in just a little while, I'll be even less dizzy, and will be able to go off to the bathroom (window below) for a shower and some beautifying... well, okay, so maybe beautifying is too hopeful, but after I've tried, I can't possibly be so scary to the population in general!  :-)

And then, if I'm still not well enough to get on with more interesting activities, it'll be me on the sofa for quite some time!  Cushions abound here... flowery ones from a favourite aunt..striped ones from my sister... pale green from my dear old grandmother's armchair (many memories of that old lady in her chair)...and the Union Flag cushion was a gift to me from me when I was out of the country.  

And there ya go.  Always something positive to be said about not feeling well...you have to find the good in all, or else you'd go mad, I think.  :-)

Today's good in it all?  Well, I got to upload some photos onto the computer, and show you a few more things around the Cobbnut Cozy...  

Hoping you are all much healthier than I am feeling at the moment!  And if for some awful reason, you're not, then I send healing love and light...

Namaste, my friends.

All content ©artysane

A PS. .. goes along with previous post!

There ya go... she may have said it better, but at least there's more than one person in the world saying it!

Hope you are too!!!

:-)

It's late here, and I'm off to bed now.  Working a late shift tomorrow, so I'll get to sleep later than 5 am!  Happy day!!!

Oh boy... that was a thought provoker...

During my life, I've been privileged to get to know many people, from many different backgrounds.  I'm enormously happy to say that I've friends who are Hindu, Buddhist, Christian, and Jewish. 

I've African and Indian friends.  Friends from Puerto Rica, Poland... 

I have some wonderful homosexual friends.  I have a friend who is lesbian.  I have straight and married friends, single friends..well, let's just say that I'm blessed with a beautiful and very colourful patchwork quilt of friends!  :-)

And it's my belief that ALL of us have a right to live fully...to respect and love each other... to treat each other fairly, and kindly.. and to have our own cultures, and beliefs, and STILL BE FRIENDS.

Still be able to share this world which we all live in.  

After all, we all bleed red. 

Well, you know.

So tonight, when BBC2 put on this movie, I watched it with tears, and the feeling of great sadness at the terrible and horrendous acts of years ago.

What also touched me is the fact that children don't have the prejudices and hatreds which their parents have.  It has to be "taught" to them by us...by adults...

Oh, that we "grown ups" would learn how to be responsible teachers... yes, we have learned, I hope, from the atrocities of World War 2.  But let's not forget... let's not stop learning..

And let's teach love.

And peace.

When I left my marriage, I needed to do something which would mean something to me...something which no one expected me to do.

I can't quite explain that..but it was almost like marking the beginning of a new life..a new Me.  

Anyway, I have a small tattoo now.. it's the Chinese symbol for "hope".  

Hope for my future.

Hope for the future of all of us.

Hope for mankind. 

Namaste, my friends.  Let's teach the children well....

All content ©artysane

(with the exception, of course, of the photo from the movie)

Oops!

And again, Oops.

Or is it really?

See, I started this blog with the intention of writing something every day.  And suddenly I've found that it's been almost a week since I posted.

But am I sorry?  Truly?  

Nahh... no way!

Because I've been living... and after all, you know what they say...

All Work  Blog and No Play Living Makes Jack (or Jill) a Dull Boy (Girl) Blogger!!

:-)

Even so, I cannot tell you that I've been busy with mind boggling things.  I've been to work.  I've gardened. I played my first bowls match on Wednesday evening, and in fact, I'm playing again this afternoon.  

And I finished up cross stitching a small project, which I mounted on a blank card...it's now the first of the hand stitched Christmas cards for this December!

There was knitting with friends at the pub again too.  When we are there, a group of men and women come in to play their varied instruments ... lots of great and lively Irish country music.  And also more modern tunes, with the Irish country feel put to it!

More pictures of knitting and stitching projects, and garden progress to come... having a giggle to myself...who knows, you may have to wait for at least a month for those!  

No... I promise to be back before then. 

Anyway, I hope you all enjoy LIVING LIFE as much as I do!

Namaste, Friends.

All content ©artysane

What's been keeping me busy?

Well, these have, actually!

Do you remember I talked about lawn bowling a little while ago?  Well, I've been practising..and on Wednesday evening I'll be playing in my first team match.  Which meant I needed my own set of "woods".

And here's the picture to prove I've got them!  This is actually this years' birthday present from my parents..a few weeks early, admittedly, but I'll be able to use them now, before the end of the season.

I'm quite chuffed!

Mind you, even though I've been working and bowling, there's also been some time to spend in the kitchen..I managed to quickly make a "Plain Jane" cake yesterday.  I knew I wouldn't have enough time to put icing on the top before I had to go to work, so I sprinkled sugar over the mixture, and ended up with a simple, but tasty treat!

Now though, it's really time for me to stop, and sleep.  Sad to say, I've been battling with the most awful headache today.  I know my triggers for these migraine type head pains:  lack of sleep, hunger, hormones, and not enough, or too much caffeine.

Today it was definitely not enough sleep.  And then it worsened because of hunger!

Although I hate the migraines, it is almost "nice" to know myself so well, that I knew just what was wrong...you know?

Namaste, my friends...I hope you've had a good weekend!

All content ©artysane

Charity knitting

Hello Friends!

I skipped a few days...the last thing I want is for my blog to become a chore for me, so I don't really feel too guilty for not posting.  I've been busy with other creative things though...as you can see!

Over the past few months, I've been busy, on and off, with knitting these teddy bears.  There's 14 of them. All different colours, but all from the same pattern.  

They are now travelling to a poorer country of the world.  To be honest, at this time I don't know quite where.  But there is a retired doctor in this area, who travels a lot to do some humanitarian work, and he packs as many teddies and other "gifts" as he can, to distribute.

On Monday evening, I lined up "my" teddies for their photo shoot, then gave them a talk about how they were going to make 14 little children so very happy, all while packing them into their little bags, and putting a twist tie on the bag.

Then all were packed into a bigger carrier bag, and on Tuesday they began their journey from my home, to one friends home.  Then on to another home...then this morning to the collection point..and at the end of the week, they will be in flight.

It does feel good to be able to make something and hopefully make someone else happy by doing so.

Namaste

All content ©artysane

Clean Sheets Day...and some other thoughts...

Yep...the title said it really.  Today, and each Saturday, is Clean Sheets Day.

I am concerned sometimes that I am getting into a rut, with set days for certain things and what not...

But it is what it is.

And clean sheets are one of the joys of life!!

I quite love my bed actually!  It was given to me when my aunt and uncle moved to a smaller retirement home.  The bedding?  Well, I bought the duvet, but the sheets, and the lovely patchwork quilt on the top were all gifted to me as well.

It's a comfy bed...it's big enough for me to sprawl around in...and, yes, I don't share it with anybody or anything else except for the pink pig!

Sometimes it feels lonely.  

But most of the time right now, I'm glad.

You see, I was in a bad marriage for almost 15 years.  Why bad?  Because he was...no, is..a bad man.  We're talking domestic violence.  Abuse of any sort you wish to mention.  

Finally I came to my senses about 6 years ago, and left.  It's been a hard road to travel.  But I'm ok.  And this time "alone" has really been good for me.  I'm getting to know myself really well.  And my confidence is rebuilding itself.

No, I don't wish to be alone for the rest of my time on earth.  I hope with all my heart that one day I will meet a wonderful man who will give and accept love, and that we'll be happy together.

But in the meantime, I'm content.

I don't think that I'm going to be one of those people who sign up for every dating site on the internet, or answer personal ads in the newspaper, or whatever.

I suppose I fear being ripped off by someone who is pretending to be someone he isn't.

I also have this feeling that if I go hunting for Mr Wonderful, that I won't actually find him.  And then I'll just become bitter and disappointed.

No, I'm just going to live each day as fully as I can.  Be as interested in my own life as I can be.  And then, while I'm living my interesting life, and being happy in my life, all of a sudden.. there he'll be!  And guess what...that'll mean that if he's in a place where I've already chosen to be, because I'm interested in that thing...we'll already have something in common!

And who knows?  Maybe instead of having the bridesmaids head-dress and bouquet from my sisters' wedding hanging on my wall, it'll be my own Brides' things hanging instead!

I'm enjoying writing my drivel each day...I'm not sure if you read it all, but anyway... it's good for me to write this all, and give some typing space to my brain...thanks for the opportunity, Blogger!

Namaste

All content ©artysane

Love...and a couple of pics from home..

Hi there!

I really didn't have much idea of what to write about today, and then I looked through what I'd snapped with my camera, and well, let's see where this takes me!

I love hand made items in my home.  Most of them I've made myself..some have been gifts.  Rarely I've bought them.

These hearts were made my me at some time or another. They've hung in 4 different homes.  Three of those were in the States.  But now they live on a pretty stained glass door, which leads into my lounge.

Well, I say "my" lounge..we all know that the flat is rented...but it's still my little space to occupy until ... whenever!

The heart is, I think, the international sign for love, yes?  It seems that everyone knows it, whatever language you speak.

When I moved in here, I was happy for me, but a little sad for the couple who had just moved out.  They were splitting up.  The cats had been divided..what I mean is, one went to live with her, the other with him...so they were topsy-turvied too...

On the first morning I was here, I found evidence that once they were happy.  On the bathroom mirror.  After my shower.

And I haven't a picture of this, but there was the unmistakable heart, which one of them had, at one time, drawn on with their finger.

I still haven't the heart to clean it off.

It's not just hearts that show love, is it.  Actions speak louder than words, that's what they say.  

So when I bake, and give cookies to my sister's family, or cake to this person or that person, it's also showing love, in my opinion, just as surely as if I were drawing hearts all over the place.

I've had fun setting up my little home.  Mainly I've been using car boot sale, charity shop, or cast offs to do so...but sometimes you have to break down and spend money, which is what I did for the mixer.

But it's already been worth its' weight in gold to me!

I've this weekend off duty, so I plan to be back out in my kitchen again... peanut butter cookies may be on the menu!

Love.

Not just romantic. 

Namaste

All content ©artysane

Chocolate, Hips, and the eternal war between them

It seems to me that I have been at war with my body, regarding its' size anyway, for some time now.  

It's boring.

Problem is that a lot of my weight isn't even due to what I eat or don't eat.  A lot of it is a result of the medications I'm taking for the R.A.  And the asthma.  Steroids are wonderfully quick working meds.  But their side effects really stink a bit, my friends. 

So, here I am.  Trying, again, to fight the good fight to rescue people from the fear that I may suddenly sit upon them accidentally!  HA

 The "diet" has been going for a couple of weeks now.  I've been dreadful keeping with it.  I try to avoid cookies, and chocolate, and cheesecake, and ice cream and pasta and ...and...

Even though I'm good, it's so often just like this with me!  

Now, I'm not going to any slimming club at all.  Basically this is because of three reasons:

1.  I don't really have enough money to spend on my memberships etc

2.  Because of work, I can't guarantee that I'll be off duty on the required times.

and

3.  Surely I can find the will power and positive thinking and self control I need to do this?  Surely if I do the meditations from Quigong, it'll help me to lose this weight?

Hmmm..well, the very first weigh in I did (in private, on my mothers' scales) was discouraging.  I hadn't lost or gained a thing.  I just had to look on the positive.. 

But today, I could jump and be pleased.

Three and a half pounds have gone!

Oh yes, my friends, I'm on a roll now!

Namaste

All content ©artysane