The world just keeps piling the stress on...

I've been hiding.

It hasn't helped.

Instead, I've found myself not sleeping, fidgeting, sad, tearful, and generally stressed out to the back teeth.

Why?

Let's just say that abuse doesn't stop just because a judge signs divorce papers.

It might stop when either he or I die.

I had a feeling that something was about to happen a few weeks ago.  And then some paperwork was delivered to me.

He Who Does Not Deserve Respect wants money.  I thought the divorce papers agreed that neither one of us would go to the other wanting support...but now he's changed his mind.

In my absence, because of course I can't get to the States that easily, the court has set the amount I am supposed to pay him monthly at something extortionate.

If I don't get it changed, I will not be able to stay in my flat.

Essentially, I'd be made homeless.

So, you see..that's where the stress is coming from.  I've been growing to love this little place of mine.. 

Stress isn't good for my health.  Walking, typing, knitting...everything is too hard right now.

I'm in a sorry state, and this is not a very happy post..my apologies.

I wish a more peaceful existence to all of you..and if you have any extra peace which you could send my way, please do! 

It's hard for me to adopt any notion of peace right now, but without wishing to sound like a hypocrite...

Namaste

So struggling today.

I am trying to live in this moment.

But it's hard to live and move and make each moment count when your back has seized up, your shoulders just ache, and your hips are ouching with every move.

I'm desperately trying to avoid more sick time from work.  I can't afford to not work.  I definitely can't afford to lose my job because of this RA.

I think I need to sleep. 

But also it helps to record my lousy day here..if for no other reason than in a few days I'll be able to look back and know I made it through my bleak and painful Thursday..

Namaste.  May peace, blessing and love surround you.

Some pictures and words for you..

Because it's a quiet day at home for me, with rain falling outside and quite an autumnal nip in the air, I thought I'd spend a few more minutes here at the blog, and show you some of my photos from the past week.

I just love fuchsias.  The colours and the prettiness of each bloom make me even more sure that they are one of my most favourite flowers.  This one is hanging on the wall at the front of the house, and was so small when I first moved in.  Now it's healthy and quite lovely!  I hope that I might be able to help it over-winter indoors, so that next year it'll be even larger..but we'll see.

I'm quite a firm believer in the fact that gardens are just an extension of our inside rooms!  So, in my front and back gardens, you'll find little decorations popping up here and there.  This plaque was one of the last things I bought from a shop in the States...it's resting against the front wall now, so as I (or my neighbour) leaves home, this is what we see.. 

This pig of mine is also quite happy living in the front garden.  I actually took this on Saturday afternoon, because it made me have a little laugh... have you noticed the snail going for a ride?  Fortunately, I haven't anything planted nearby which he would find terribly palatable.  

All of those pictures above were taken on Saturday actually, while I was waiting for my ride to a barbecue.  At that time it was warm, and sunny...and this was the sky....

....three quarters of an hour later though, the grey clouds rolled in, accompanied by threatening rumbles of thunder, and by the time we were ready to grill, well you guessed!  My friends' husband is quite the intrepid "chef" though and will NOT be thwarted!  The food was lovely too..

Indoors, on Sunday, I continued my mission to make a flat into "my" home!  Again, I bought this in the States..it's not sticky like sellotape, but it has gone up on the wall above the bed just perfectly.  The quote is attributed to Thoreau.

And these last couple of photos I just took within the past hour!  The computer is set up in the kitchen most of the time.  The tablecloth has been "with" me for over 20 years, and is (silly me) one of my most treasured possessions really.  The wooden bowl with the calculator in it was made by my Dad, and the flowers I cut from the front garden a few days ago, and popped them into a white porcelain jug which I bought from a charity shop.  

And now I'm going to wish you all a lovely evening, head over to the kettle and boil some water, and then make myself some tea.. just love the convenience of this little kitchen shelf.. 

Namaste, friends

 All content ©artysane

Another Wednesday ... another week...

...the days, and weeks, and months and years are going by so quickly for me these days...

Mostly, this past week I have struggled with pain.  I'm not whining..it's my lot in life, you know?  But it is a bit hard, to limp at work because my hip or knee is hurting, and get the looks from those around you.  That type of look which is saying (or at least you sometimes *think* they're saying):  "Why is that woman putting on that limp?  She's not got any injury.  She must just be trying to get out of working."

I think maybe, just possibly, I could be a little paranoid, huh?

Seriously though, walking is hard ... knitting has been hard...shopping bags after grocery shopping are just too much to handle...and so it goes when the RA flares up.

Enough.

Life can ..and will.. still be good.

In other news...

A friend of mine had a bereavement in her family.  Her dear old grandfather, who lived to just past his 100th birthday.

And in his will, she was left many things, including his budgie..which she really doesn't want to adopt into her home!

First thing she said to me last night when I saw her was.. "Hey (my real name)!!  Don't suppose you want a budgie, do ya?"

And actually, as it happens...

YES!  I have been saving to get a cage and a bird!

So, soon I'll be an adoptive budgie mum.

I had a budgie in the States before I came home, and he had to be adopted out to one of my friends.  I've been missing him a lot, and had put out my wish to the universe, so this is a real answer to me.

Someone In Charge was listening!

And I'm happily expecting the new arrival in the flat!

Namaste

As the silly song goes...

..."I'm busy doing nothing..."

Why?

Because I have woken up today with a bad bout of vertigo.

Thankfully, it doesn't happen often.

Mostly, I feel like this when I'm over-tired, which has most certainly been the last couple of days.  I'm just a bit miffed that today, on my day off, it's really burst forth in violence.

Never mind, I shall live, and this trial will pass!

In the meantime, I can report to you that I'm typing from bed. And if I turn my dizzy head (slowly so as to avoid nausea) to the right, I see this little curio shelf thing on my wall.  The little block sayings at the top need finishing off.  Before I left the States, I bought the blocks from a Dollar Store, and glued the sayings together.  Now I want to paint the other sides... maybe that'll get done today... maybe not, in favour of working on my crochet or something!

Oh.. and yes... I like pigs!  No shortage of them here at Cobbnut Cozy... which is what I've begun to call my little home.  Cobb nuts are beginning to fall all over my garden... the tree next door is trying it's best to move in with me, and making his presence known by giving me these "gifts"!

Hopefully, in just a little while, I'll be even less dizzy, and will be able to go off to the bathroom (window below) for a shower and some beautifying... well, okay, so maybe beautifying is too hopeful, but after I've tried, I can't possibly be so scary to the population in general!  :-)

And then, if I'm still not well enough to get on with more interesting activities, it'll be me on the sofa for quite some time!  Cushions abound here... flowery ones from a favourite aunt..striped ones from my sister... pale green from my dear old grandmother's armchair (many memories of that old lady in her chair)...and the Union Flag cushion was a gift to me from me when I was out of the country.  

And there ya go.  Always something positive to be said about not feeling well...you have to find the good in all, or else you'd go mad, I think.  :-)

Today's good in it all?  Well, I got to upload some photos onto the computer, and show you a few more things around the Cobbnut Cozy...  

Hoping you are all much healthier than I am feeling at the moment!  And if for some awful reason, you're not, then I send healing love and light...

Namaste, my friends.

All content ©artysane

A PS. .. goes along with previous post!

There ya go... she may have said it better, but at least there's more than one person in the world saying it!

Hope you are too!!!

:-)

It's late here, and I'm off to bed now.  Working a late shift tomorrow, so I'll get to sleep later than 5 am!  Happy day!!!

Oh boy... that was a thought provoker...

During my life, I've been privileged to get to know many people, from many different backgrounds.  I'm enormously happy to say that I've friends who are Hindu, Buddhist, Christian, and Jewish. 

I've African and Indian friends.  Friends from Puerto Rica, Poland... 

I have some wonderful homosexual friends.  I have a friend who is lesbian.  I have straight and married friends, single friends..well, let's just say that I'm blessed with a beautiful and very colourful patchwork quilt of friends!  :-)

And it's my belief that ALL of us have a right to live fully...to respect and love each other... to treat each other fairly, and kindly.. and to have our own cultures, and beliefs, and STILL BE FRIENDS.

Still be able to share this world which we all live in.  

After all, we all bleed red. 

Well, you know.

So tonight, when BBC2 put on this movie, I watched it with tears, and the feeling of great sadness at the terrible and horrendous acts of years ago.

What also touched me is the fact that children don't have the prejudices and hatreds which their parents have.  It has to be "taught" to them by us...by adults...

Oh, that we "grown ups" would learn how to be responsible teachers... yes, we have learned, I hope, from the atrocities of World War 2.  But let's not forget... let's not stop learning..

And let's teach love.

And peace.

When I left my marriage, I needed to do something which would mean something to me...something which no one expected me to do.

I can't quite explain that..but it was almost like marking the beginning of a new life..a new Me.  

Anyway, I have a small tattoo now.. it's the Chinese symbol for "hope".  

Hope for my future.

Hope for the future of all of us.

Hope for mankind. 

Namaste, my friends.  Let's teach the children well....

All content ©artysane

(with the exception, of course, of the photo from the movie)